Why did I step in the ring 我為甚麼要踏進擂台
-thoughts after my first fight 人生第一場比賽後感言
(Chinese version after English 中文版在英文段落後)
To begin with, I didn't win (I use the phrase "didn't win" rather than "I lost". To be honest, I didn't feel like I have lost at all).
I wonder if the result would have been any different if we started off the match equal that my opponent wasn't wearing a headgear (As shown in the picture, she was wearing a headgear and I didn't)
It was my first standup fight.
It's funny that the techniques that I have practised, the moment I got in the ring, I forgot them all. I forgot how to kick, how to block, how to push kick. I remembered NOTHING. It's like an exam. You'll most likely forget what you've revised.
It wasn't as easy as I thought. It was in fact a lot more brutal than I expected. I took a lot of blows. But none of them set me back.
It wasn't as easy as I thought. It was in fact a lot more brutal than I expected. I took a lot of blows. But none of them set me back.
However, after the first round, there was a moment I regretted taking on the fight.
What kind of woman would throw herself in the ring and get beaten up? Why am I doing this? Do I deserve this? What is the meaning of this? Why? What for?
All these thoughts popped up during the 1-minute rest.
But I told myself, there is NO turning back. I have started it, and I HAVE TO finish this.
But I told myself, there is NO turning back. I have started it, and I HAVE TO finish this.
My opponent is a lot more experienced, taller, bigger, southpaw. At least I gave her a tough fight and I fought with a lot of heart. As I watched my fight video, indeed, there were a lot of things that I could improve or have done better, but I saw myself taking strong blows and kicks in the jaws (without headgear), none of them have set me back. I just kept moving forward. I kept on going.
Even with all the odds against me (the fight took place at my opponent's gym), majority of the crowd was cheering for my opponent, I just wanted to keep fighting until I couldn't. My team was cheering for me.
I wanted to keep fighting.
Though in the end, I didn't win.
But I can proudly say none of her kicks or punches did damage or hurt me. I came out of the ring only with a small scratch on my face and slightly bursted lip. Nothing major.
But I can proudly say none of her kicks or punches did damage or hurt me. I came out of the ring only with a small scratch on my face and slightly bursted lip. Nothing major.
I got a lot of compliments from people I know or spectators that I didn't know. I was even warmly greeted by my opponent's husband. Some said normally women's fight was boring but ours was very exciting.
I was happy. I enjoyed the fight. I had fun. And that's the most important.
Before I started martial arts training, as most of you might have known, I was dedicated to music (I've been playing the piano for more than 15 years).
As a classically-trained pianist and then singer, I was never happy about my performance.
Back in those days, most of the time after my performance, I was always mad at myself and always thought that I didn't do well.
I remember one time I was playing Flight of the Bumble Bee at a college recital (Quite a difficult piece. It goes wrong easily). The moment I finished and stood up to bow, I pulled on a disappointed face and audience saw it. One guy approached me and asked me why I was sad since I did a great job.
There was one other time, at university recital, I sang and accompanied myself on the piano (the piece was "Cum Dederit" in Nisi Dominis by Vivaldi). After stepping down from the stage, I hid myself behind the auditorium seats and cried.
I was never ever happy about my performance even though I didn't do badly.
I was demanding to myself. It was consuming and led to a lot of self-denial.
However, there is something that martial arts has taught me that I never found in music.
Loses might happen. But that's ok. There are also lessons.
You might lose. You also learn. And you also grow.
One ex-military guy asked me, 'pretty girl, why do you want to fight?'
I said, 'because I don't want to be pretty and useless and let people walk all over me.'
I said, 'because I don't want to be pretty and useless and let people walk all over me.'
That is my spirit. I don't want to be pretty and useless.
It might be a bit early to take on a fight since I freshly injured my shoulder in October 2016 and hurt it again in December. And during my recovery time, striking was the only thing I could train that wouldn't put much stress on my shoulder (I couldn't train jiujitsu at that time). But my shoulder would fatigue very quickly and had limited endurance and power.
But I wanted to push myself through that weakness. I wanted to challenge and test myself. I kept on training and my shoulder finally improved.
Injury can either be an excuse, or, motivation. All depends how you see it.
And what's more, I had nothing to lose. Only a lot to prove. So I threw myself in.
The day after the fight (Sunday), I spent the whole day 'decomposing'.
After a biggish event, what's next?
What's my next goal? Where's my motivation? What are the reasons to keep on training? What can I do now?
A slight sense of loss kicked in.
But I didn't let it take over me.
A slight sense of loss kicked in.
But I didn't let it take over me.
Monday, I got back to training. People at gym greeted me by calling me Chi Ka Diaz (haha. from MMA fighter Nate Diaz, famous for his "Stockton slap"). Some suggested that I should take a break.
I don't feel like taking a break. I want to train, improve, and fight again. I don't know when I'll fight next. I don't know if I'll be fighting on the ground or on my feet. That's why I have to be ready at all times (and also look pretty at all times). So when the opportunity comes, I know I'm ready.
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首先，我沒贏到。而我選用這字眼，"沒贏"，因為我並不覺得我輸了。
我又想，假使我們一開始起步平等，對手沒有戴上護頭罩比賽（留意照片，她有戴，我沒有），比賽結果會否一樣?
這畢竟是我人生第一場拳賽。
原來，賽前練習過的，當一踏上擂台，甚麼都不會記起。我完全忘記怎樣橫踢，擋，前蹬，通通都忘記得一乾二淨了。有如一場大考，進試場就忘記溫習了甚麼。
比賽沒有我想像中容易，甚至比我想像中殘酷。我吃了很多記重拳。但是沒有一拳使我後退。
第一回合過後，有這麼的一剎那，後悔參加比賽。
甚麽樣的女人會把自己送上擂台被人打? 我為甚麽要參加比賽? 為了甚麼? 值得嗎? 為甚麼?
在一分鐘的中場休息期間，我心中萌生很多雜念。但我對自己說，現在不能回頭了。開始了，就要好好完成。
我的對手比我更有經驗，比我高大，比我大塊頭，又是難打的左撇子。但是起碼，這場比賽我沒讓她贏得容易，我很用心地打這場比賽。當我看比賽重播時，當然有很多技術上問題需要改善，我看到自己吃了很多重拳及被踢頭（要記住我沒有護頭罩），我不單止沒後退，還不斷向前，繼續打。我沒有停止戰鬥。
我沒有主場之利（對手為主場），大部分觀眾都為她打氣，但我只有一個信念------我要繼續還擊直至無力。我的隊友一直為我喝彩。
我繼續堅持打下去。可惜沒有勝出。
無論是認識的人或不認識的人，賽後對我讚口不絕。我對手的丈夫也前來向我介紹自己，說我打得很好。有人說通常女性的賽事很沉悶，但我們的比賽很刺激。
可是我敢說，她所有踢腿及拳沒有一個傷到我。步出擂台的一刻，我只有臉有小擦傷，及上唇有小爆裂。沒有甚麼大不了。
我很高興。我很享受這場比賽。對我而言很好玩。享受，是比賽最重要的。
我開始學習搏擊之前，相信大部分朋友都知道，我一直很專注於音樂(我彈鋼琴超過15年了)。
作為一個過受古典音樂訓練的鋼琴人及歌手，其實我從來都沒有對自己的表演滿意。
從前很多時，我每一次演出之後，我都會生自己氣，嫌自己表演不夠好。
記得有一次我在高中演奏會上彈奏「Flight of the Bumble Bee大黃蜂的飛行」(難度頗高的一首樂曲，很容易出錯)。我演奏完畢，站立起對觀眾鞠躬，我面露失望，某些觀眾居然都見到了。一位男士走過來，問我為甚麼不開心，而我當天演奏得不錯。
而又另一次，到大學的演奏會，我自彈自唱了一首古典樂曲(威爾第的"Cum Dederit", Nisi Dominis)。踏下舞台的台階後，我躲在觀眾席後哭。
好或差，我從來，都沒有對自己的演出滿意過。
我一直對自己要求過高，而這觀念一直把我侵蝕，不斷很多很多的自我否定。
然而，有些人生意義，學習搏擊教曉了我，而我在音樂中找不到。
比賽有輸有贏，輸了不要緊，最寶貴的是過程及經歷。
你會輸，但你亦會有得著，你會成長。
一位前軍人問我，「美少女，你為甚麼要打搏擊?」
我回答，「因為我不想只虛有其表，做一朵無用的小花，任由他人踐踏!」
這是我的精神。我不要「得個靚字」，而不中用。
也許，這場比賽我太早打。我在數月前，上年10月肩膊受傷了，而在12月又弄傷多一次。在我康復期間，最不影響我傷勢的，只有拳擊(當時不能練巴西柔術)。可是，我的肩十分無力，很快會累，沒無耐力又無力量。
但我想衝過這些難關。我想挑戰及測試自己。
我繼續不斷訓練，肩膊回復了不少。
傷患可以成為藉口，或可以成為推動力。是哪一種，視乎你自己。
再者，我沒有甚麼好輸不好輸，我要的是去證明自己。於是把自己豁出去了。
賽後的一天(星期日)，我整天就在沉澱自己。
這個比賽目標完成後，下一個呢?
我下個目標是甚麼?我有甚麼推動力?我為何要繼續訓練?現在我有甚麼可以做?
一種莫名的失落感湧現。但我並沒有讓其支配我整個人。
翌日是星期一，我又回到了訓練。館內的人都歡迎我，戲稱我為Chi Ka Diaz(由來為MMA選手Nate Diaz，他以大勾拳為名)。有人建議我應該要休息。
我卻不想要休息。我想繼續訓練，進步，再打比賽。
我未知何時有下一場比賽，我亦不知我會打拳或打其他搏擊類運動。
我只知道，我要加緊練習，隨時做好準備(也要隨時都打扮得美麗動人)。
因為當機會來了的時候，我肯定知道，我準備好了。
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